Cabin Fever or something.
So, I’m beginning to realize that my power (read: aptitude) as a blogarina, being able to spin out cute, glib stories, is almost entirely contingent on my being able to leave the house.
I currently can’t. So. You probably won’t get cute tonight. Not from me.
I’m spending a lot of time staring at the mirror. Staring at the mirrors. What I see amazes me.
My face is beautiful. I’m not really sure when it was I figured that out. I can remember a time when I wouldn’t present my face without the cover of an ever-present curtain of hair.
It’s just one of those faces. Babies love it (because humans at birth have an instinctive affinity for symmetry and proportion), charicaturists hate it (because the features work in such harmony as to be incredibly difficult to parody).
I can only barely tolerate my body on a good day, self-depriciating and sarcasticizing all over it to keep from vomiting at the sight of my gut-titties in dark storefront windows, but my face…?
Aside from temporary blemishes, it’s pretty much perfect.
Which makes it all the more ironic that the inside of my head is an oozing, misshapen disaster. Under the cheekbones and behind the jaw, there are deformations that have made me wail in agony like clockwork, annually since the beginning of years. Every plane ride is an excercise of exquisite pain, every pool, lake, ocean, or even lover’s tongue is certain torture. The most delicate of machinery breaking and bursting, leaving a string of friends, bunkmates, RAs, coworkers, casual fucks and even strangers to ask one familiar question:
“What’s dripping out of your ear?”
And me, becoming less and less able to even hear them ask.
Beautiful on the outside, deformed on the inside. How sweet.
As I cling to the couch, too dizzy to stand and in too much pain to sit still I try, I try, I try.
Or I try not, as it were…
To hear the obvious parallel between the state of my head…
And everthing else there is. Here.
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