The Magic Carpet
It’s been a pretty rough week for me for several reasons. One exception to this rule was the installation of my new toilet, about which I am seriously excited.
I’ll give a bit of backstory. At 3 am on Monday night, I heard a knock at my door. The mildly retarded woman living in the apartment directly under mine wanted to show me something…
…it was raining in her apartment.
Sure enough, my toilet had exploded. The building’s administration wouldn’t be open again until Thursday. Awesome.
So, I threw down every towel and sheet in the apartment, and spent the next two days peeing in the bathtub and shitting at the Thai restaurant in my building’s storefront.
On Thursday a plumber came, took one look, and said he’d come back with a new toilet. Before he had a chance to get out of the door, I grabbed his sleeve, and hissed one very important word into is ear…”Tiefspueler” (deep flusher).
The standard German toilet is a very strange thing. It’s built with a viewing shelf. Not to be totally crass, but well, it’s unavoidable. Here goes.
Once you pinch off a log, it basically just sits there, dry, five inches under your ass until you flush. Accordingly, when you do flush, your….uh…product is not whisked cleanly away…rather, you are expected to use the brush next to the toilet to erase any streakage (of which there is always invariably some). The day after an especially dense meal, you can pretty much expect to use that same brush to gently coax your nutty load off the shelf. It’ll get stuck.
Upon coming to Germany I developed a technique called “The Magic Carpet” in order to mitigate the total and illogical nastiness of the viewing shelf system. If you place a sturdy layer of toilet paper on the shelf as a lining of sorts, turds sail happily and cleanly from the shelf as a unit.
Still. It’s just fucking foul.
I’m told that the theory behind the viewing shelf has something to do with the practice of checking one’s stool for color and consistency as a measure of diet and general health.
Let’s hope that’s not true. Germans have enough going against them.
Anyway I asked for what amounts to a German rarity…an American-style toilet in which shit falls into stench-mitigating water, after which it is quickly and tidily flushed away.
The rest of my bathroom has pretty much been destroyed by this incident…the plumber couldn’t screw the toilet into the ground, for example, because the floor had been so badly rotted out by water and other fun substances.
So he threw down a slab of concrete in order to give the new toilet a solid base.
I see it as a pedestal.
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