Insolence
If I were an advertising firm bidding for the contract for Guerlain’s new perfume for women, first, I would run screaming, or at least protest vociferously if they suggested the name “Insolence” for the product.
I mean, Insolence? Why not impudence, incompetence or incontinence? Sure, it almost certainly sounds better with its French pronunciation, but that’s no excuse. Insolence is basically a big mincy word for “rudeness”, with an implied context of attempted insubordination and general smug smartassiness. An idiot can be rude…but in order to be insolent, you have to be kind of intelligent, as well as hell-bent on being a dick. The word insolence can’t even be turned on it’s head, like the Italian word “cattivo”, which when used earnestly can be defined loosely as “mean-spirited”. Raise an eyebrow, and the word means “naughty”.
Still, the fact remains, I’m not really sure I want to smell like Insolence. I’m cool smelling like Eternity, Issey’s water, Pleasures, the number 5, Hypnotic Poison and even the color Black. You’d best believe I’d like to smell like White Linen or White Diamonds. Sure I could smell like a Red Door, bring it on. Insolence, though—not so much.
But let’s imagine that the suits at Guerlain were unwavering in their desire to so unwisely name their product. Fine. So, you (as boss of our hypothetical firm) put your most savvy ad execs on the project of devising a campaign to counteract the obvious silliness of a perfume called Insolence. They put their heads together, pull long nights, rack their brains for a quirky, unusual angle to justify or even compliment the ill-chosen name of the product. After several days of lost sleep and munching Adderal like TicTacs, your crack team presents their airtight proposal to the suits at Guerlain.
During this meeting, you’re not sure what horrifies you more, the crack team’s botched abortion of a campaign concept, or the enthusiastic manner in which the Guerlain suits appear to be responding to said monstrosity. Before you have time to drop to the carpet, in search of your jaw, grinning drones on both sides are energetically shaking hands. “Oh, well”, you think, “that’s a lot of fucking poppy…”. You shrug to yourself, as you make your way back to your corner office to make a phone call.
“Get me Hilary Swank.”
Yes, folks, Hilary Swank is the face of Insolence (which in itself is a masterpiece of irony). Forget the fact that she’s one of the ugliest women ever to touch those top echelons of Hollywood fame (ONE OF, I said, this is not an a essay about Reese Witherspoon, who sadly lacks talent in addition to looks). Forget even the fact that she’s the only person who qualifies to be and actress but NOT an entertainer. Nobody but nobody wants to smell like a gangly tomboy, and you can bet your sweet ass they won’t want to smell like an insolent tomboy.
Obviously the people responsible for this campaign realized this problem, probably upon seeing Ms. Swank arrive for the photo shoot, all scrawny, flailing appendages and overbite. “Hmmm”, thought the photographer, “I’d better work some real black magic in order to make this abomination look like other great perfume-ad sirens: The Paltrow, The Zeta-Jones, The Rossellini…”
Well, let me get right to the point in saying that the photographer and graphic designer currently have egg on their faces and turd all over their hands. Rather than making La Swank into, say, the Goddess-like, naked, prone, Sophie Dahl (from a wiser era in Guerlain’s history), they ended up making her look like a jaundiced pre-operative transsexual that suddenly found him/herself topless in a subway station (and the train is approaching). Beneath her mannish countenance, it says “Hilary Swank pour Insolence.”
Seriously. Check out this ad campaign and tell me if it’s not THE MOST RIDICULOUS thing you’ve ever seen. You know, part of me doubts that there even is a Guerlain perfume called Insolence. Maybe this is an advertising agency’s idea of fucking with us, taking the piss, throwing the wool over our eyes, etc. I mean, they’re counting on a few total impossibilities here:
a.) That the unwashed, Guerlain-buying public won’t know what Insolence, or Ansolawce means.
b.) If they do know what Insolence or Ansolawce is, they’d want to smell that way.
c.) They find Hilary Swank sexy, appealing, or even mildly tolerable.
d.) They’d want to smell like La Swank and/or an insolent pre-op transsexual
Now I don’t want to wish suicide upon the advertising execs and suits at Guerlain, but I do hope that, seeing this campaign, that they’ve at least considered it, however briefly. Or if not suicide per se, perhaps severe and irreparable self-mutilation…like, say, spades in the eyeballs (which probably still wouldn’t keep them from attempting graphic design in the future).
But you know, maybe it’s not their fault. Maybe they’re just catering to what we give them…
Oh friends…has it come to this?
